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Submitted on
August 19, 2012


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Forever and a day ago, I came out to my parents, but it was really just back in February. My problem is that they didn't believe me.

It was during an argument, which was a bad choice on my part. A year or so ago I made a tumblr and my parents found out about it and deleted it. Last summer, I decided to make a new one and hide it better. It went on for a really long time, and I was semi-out-of-the-closet on tumblr. Of course, as my awful luck goes, my dad happened upon me switching to another window on my iPad and made me go back to the previous one which just happened to be my dashboard. He was outraged at the ridiculous amount of profanity I was using and just the general content of the site. Then he remembered that this had happened before and was even angrier.

I had just gotten back from District Choir and Valentine's Day was coming up. I had planned originally on coming out to them on Valentine's Day, but I stupidly decided to come out in the middle of the argument to take the focus away from what he was actually mad at me for. It was already eating me up inside. I couldn't spit it out though, so I wrote it down on paper (and used the wrong choice of words, though I'm still confused as to whether I actually like guys or not). This calmed things down but at the same time made them worse.

My dad's argument is that I'm not sure because I've never actually been with anyone. At all. I've dated three people, one of which I'm not sure was even real. As for the other two, one lasted two class periods in the sixth grade and the other was a sick practical joke.

It just pisses me off because I know for a fact that I like girls despite never having been with one; there's got to be some damn reason my eyes linger on girls longer than they should and I spend my nights dreaming up scenario's with them (that'll never happen, sadly)! The only thing I'm confused about is if I like guys or not!

Since that day I have never, not once, spoken to my parents about it at all. They gave me a stern lesson about what I say on the internet, but nothing about me being gay. I overheard them discussing it once and my mother has brought up counseling with me, but that's more due to rough issues with my father. If I had a dollar for every time they've threatened to leave each other, I'd be rich. It almost happened a few weeks ago. Mom even took me out to look at apartments, but I pitched a fit that night and told her I wasn't going anywhere. My dad might be an ass but he's still my dad, even if I do occasionally hate him. Besides, we just redid my whole room. I'm not moving after all that hard work.

I have come out to one other person. At District Choir, a gay friend of mine asked me if I was gay because, in his words, I "seemed like that type". I didn't answer him for the longest time and then I said yes. I don't even know if he still remembers that, though, because he hasn't talked to me about it since.

I also live in a very conservative, religious area where I've heard some of my closest friends even talking about it being a sin to be gay. To quote a moronic girl (trust me, she's a piece of work; the story behind her is so long I could write a whole book about it) from my swim team, "I love gay people, but I hate their sins." What? What!? WHAT!? WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!? (Luckily, I had a supportive friend there to keep me from flying off the handle.) I was spared from all this because my parents never forced me to go to church. Sure, I went to Vacation Bible School for a week each year as a kid like everyone else, but I hated it. I remember plotting to run home one time. I only enjoyed the free food. I only went to church when I was staying with a friend. One of my good friends was the son of a pastor, so I went on Wednesday's for a while in the sixth grade; it was enjoyable and I had a good time, but I haven't been back since. My religious views are very open and although sometimes I have a hard time believing it, there probably is some god out there somewhere and I don't want to be on his bad side.

To sum it all up, my problem is this: I told my parents, they're sort of in denial, I live in an awful neighborhood for this, and I'm a nervous wreck about it all. I just feel like I need to talk to someone, but I can't because I'm surrounded by semi-homophobic gossip machines (some of which are very, very hot). The internet is the next best thing, right?

I just feel so alone. I know relationships are full of drama but I'm dying to have one because I never have had one before. I'm all chock full of hormones and I wanna be prideful and jank but I'm too cowardly at this point because I'm afraid of losing the few friends I have and being stuck with no one at all. I'm especially afraid of losing my family and their support. I'm backed into a corner with no strength and no way to get out and I just wanna break down and cry but I'm too tough to do that. I wake up every morning and I'm happy for the rest of the world but, most of the time, not for myself. I think I need a personality reset.

Or someone to talk to. That would be nice as well.
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ImpalerQueen Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Note me whenever you need some to talk to, yo! :hug:

You're not alone, my friend. I had to come out to my dad (being bi, of course) through my mom because I was so scared that he'd disown me like so many other parents have done. His reaction was pretty much like "She's my daughter, I don't give a (blank)." Many parents deny this sort of thing but I'm thankful that mine don't. Someday soon yours will wake up and realize how much they've hurt you - maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow...but they cannot deny the fact that you're their own flesh and blood.

As for friends, I've been there too. Some don't talk to me anymore (which is fine with me) but I've others who are an army of support. The GLBT community will ALWAYS be welcoming to you. Some friends leave, but others come. You never know...they may be counted as family one day too! :)

:peace: and :heart: Fly that rainbow flag proudly, and if the world doesn't accept you for who you are then f :censored: them!
Ruby-Rayne-42 Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is kind of what happened to me last year when I came out. I also live in a very religious place, and I have also never dated anyone. I find myself really attracted to girls and girls only, though. Like, I can kind of tell when a guy is attractive, but I just don't see it. My parents were supportive, but a little weird about it. So were most of my friends, but they're almost all girls, and I think all of them were afraid I'd try to make a move on them or something. I actually did start liking one of my friends and she figured it out herself, so that made things kind of awkward until we just forgot about it. Another of my friends, though, is trying to convince me that I'll go to Hell because I'm lesbian, and that I had the choice not to be. It's such a pain trying to explain to him that it wasn't a choice. I mean, I don't even care if I "go to Hell", considering I'm Wiccan. I don't believe in any kind of evil being like Satan. So...I sorta know how you feel (: And I've also been craving affection lately (ew, it sounds weird when you say it that way xD) and I can't seem to find a girl that likes me either D: It's just so hard because in these places there aren't many open LGBT kids, and the ones that I know, I have no interest in whatsoever. And I'd be happy to talk to you if you ever want to, by the way (:
Cheetana Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2012
Eugh, my parents had the same kind of thing with me, both the internet usage and with me liking girls. Unknown to them however, I had been with three girls and was sure I was either a lesbian or bisexual.

At the moment this seems like a bit of a scary situation, but don't worry. It can be a bit upsetting when you are in a place you can't be yourself, but you have the rest of your life to explore your curiousity and meet new people. When you're a little older you could research some gay-friendly establishments and meet some new people you can really relate too.

Hang in there hun, I'm sure it will all be okay and your parents will come around :)
spinda101 Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2012
I'm sorry.
I completely understand what you mean.
People doubting you sucks.
I might have never been in a relationship with a girl,
but I'm definitely attracted to them and I fantasize about them all the time.
Support can be hard to find if you don't know where to look.
If you want someone to talk to, I'd be happy to. :)
OutcastKingdom Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2012
My parents had the same reaction when I came out. People don't have to "get with" anyone in order to determine their sexual orientation. To even consider dating someone you'd have to have some sort of interest in them in the first place. If it just so happens to be girls, then your interest lies with girls.

As for the religious thing... Everyone sins, unfortunately. One cannot judge another without judging one's self. But compared to the homophobes, that girl's answer was more than appropriate, haha.

I hope things get better for you! :)
SolarApple Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2012  Student General Artist
Ditto to what this person said. Apart from my parents don't know.
Operia Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
My parents had a similar reaction when I came out. It probably didn't help that it was after a huge argument with them, but anyway.

I have had girlfriends (although my parents don't know that), but I knew even before I started dating females that I was lesbian. So, I do see where you're coming from.

If you ever want to chat, message me. I don't mind at all, and trust me; I don't bite :)
dark-harou Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I actually can explain the "I love gay people, but I hate their sins," line. Christianity teaches that homosexuality is a sin, but that you should also love all people. You should never hate someone for what they are, just the sins themselves...I don't subscribe to all that but, I do understand it and in some ways it actually is better than hating people. It honestly allows for a lot more tolerance and understanding than the average person's outlook on life.

I'm pansexual myself, and I've never fully come out to my parents, though most of my friends know. The fact that you were brave enough to tell them, even if it was in the heat of the moment, is still wonderful. I really hope things get better for you, lovey.

I know you don't know me, but if you ever need anyone to talk to, I'm here for you. My stepsister is a lesbian and I've talked with her through a lot of it, I was the first person she came out to. I know in my heart that one day everything will work out, it just may take time. :heart:
RosarioAlchemist456 Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thanks! I can sort of understand the whole religious thing. I can't help it if it still irritates me a little, but that's okay. I try to respect people's beliefs.
dark-harou Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
That's a good way to be :)
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