Forever and a day ago, I came out to my parents, but it was really just back in February. My problem is that they didn't believe me.
It was during an argument, which was a bad choice on my part. A year or so ago I made a tumblr and my parents found out about it and deleted it. Last summer, I decided to make a new one and hide it better. It went on for a really long time, and I was semi-out-of-the-closet on tumblr. Of course, as my awful luck goes, my dad happened upon me switching to another window on my iPad and made me go back to the previous one which just happened to be my dashboard. He was outraged at the ridiculous amount of profanity I was using and just the general content of the site. Then he remembered that this had happened before and was even angrier.
I had just gotten back from District Choir and Valentine's Day was coming up. I had planned originally on coming out to them on Valentine's Day, but I stupidly decided to come out in the middle of the argument to take the focus away from what he was actually mad at me for. It was already eating me up inside. I couldn't spit it out though, so I wrote it down on paper (and used the wrong choice of words, though I'm still confused as to whether I actually like guys or not). This calmed things down but at the same time made them worse.
My dad's argument is that I'm not sure because I've never actually been with anyone. At all. I've dated three people, one of which I'm not sure was even real. As for the other two, one lasted two class periods in the sixth grade and the other was a sick practical joke.
It just pisses me off because I know for a fact that I like girls despite never having been with one; there's got to be some damn reason my eyes linger on girls longer than they should and I spend my nights dreaming up scenario's with them (that'll never happen, sadly)! The only thing I'm confused about is if I like guys or not!
Since that day I have never, not once, spoken to my parents about it at all. They gave me a stern lesson about what I say on the internet, but nothing about me being gay. I overheard them discussing it once and my mother has brought up counseling with me, but that's more due to rough issues with my father. If I had a dollar for every time they've threatened to leave each other, I'd be rich. It almost happened a few weeks ago. Mom even took me out to look at apartments, but I pitched a fit that night and told her I wasn't going anywhere. My dad might be an ass but he's still my dad, even if I do occasionally hate him. Besides, we just redid my whole room. I'm not moving after all that hard work.
I have come out to one other person. At District Choir, a gay friend of mine asked me if I was gay because, in his words, I "seemed like that type". I didn't answer him for the longest time and then I said yes. I don't even know if he still remembers that, though, because he hasn't talked to me about it since.
I also live in a very conservative, religious area where I've heard some of my closest friends even talking about it being a sin to be gay. To quote a moronic girl (trust me, she's a piece of work; the story behind her is so long I could write a whole book about it) from my swim team, "I love gay people, but I hate their sins." What? What!? WHAT!? WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!? (Luckily, I had a supportive friend there to keep me from flying off the handle.) I was spared from all this because my parents never forced me to go to church. Sure, I went to Vacation Bible School for a week each year as a kid like everyone else, but I hated it. I remember plotting to run home one time. I only enjoyed the free food. I only went to church when I was staying with a friend. One of my good friends was the son of a pastor, so I went on Wednesday's for a while in the sixth grade; it was enjoyable and I had a good time, but I haven't been back since. My religious views are very open and although sometimes I have a hard time believing it, there probably is some god out there somewhere and I don't want to be on his bad side.
To sum it all up, my problem is this: I told my parents, they're sort of in denial, I live in an awful neighborhood for this, and I'm a nervous wreck about it all. I just feel like I need to talk to someone, but I can't because I'm surrounded by semi-homophobic gossip machines (some of which are very, very hot). The internet is the next best thing, right?
I just feel so alone. I know relationships are full of drama but I'm dying to have one because I never have had one before. I'm all chock full of hormones and I wanna be prideful and jank but I'm too cowardly at this point because I'm afraid of losing the few friends I have and being stuck with no one at all. I'm especially afraid of losing my family and their support. I'm backed into a corner with no strength and no way to get out and I just wanna break down and cry but I'm too tough to do that. I wake up every morning and I'm happy for the rest of the world but, most of the time, not for myself. I think I need a personality reset.
Or someone to talk to. That would be nice as well.